Do any of you iPhone owners out there check the App Store everyday like I do? Are you constantly scanning the app tracking sites seeing what’s new and what’s on sale? Just hoping that you find that new gem that’s gonna prove once and for all that the iPhone is not just a mobile porn machine, but actually capable of being a real gaming handheld? While the first part of that last sentence is most definitely true, the second is not. I keep trying to find good games on the iPhone that aren’t puzzle games (or Canabalt), but the more I look, the more I’ve come to realize that a touch screen is no place for traditional action games. Probably any type of game you’ve played before with a d-pad (or God help me, analog sticks) has no place bring on the iPhone. It rarely works, and anything fast-paced seems to fail miserably. Touch controls aren’t capable of giving you the kind of precise control necessary for twitchy action games. Which is a big reason why I didn’t like Hook Champ.

Hook Champ plays like an Indiana Jones Atari game. The graphics are in the vein of something pre-NES. While the graphics have more detail than an Atari 2600 game, they’re muddled and fuzzy at times, and aren’t that nice to look at. I know the developer was going for a retro look, but Christ, the art is so blurry I feel like I should be squinting and making an appointment to get my cataracts checked out. The overworld map is brown and boring. You never actually wall around over it. You’re just tapping on destinations, and you appear there. The levels themselves are all black-walled caves that are completely interchangable. The only difference is that the unexplained Chomper-rip off gets faster as it chases you, and the levels get more vertical. In addition to graphics that make Atari E. T. look good, it’s got awful sound to match. Music is sparse, with absolutely none to speak of when you’re in a cave, grinding away trying to earn cash. There are brief bits where swinging through caves is fun, and the numerous upgrades you get help you swing faster and farther, but they’re too few and far between to call the game enjoyable.

You can find loot as your going through caves, but even the amount of cash you get for your trouble feels like it’s not enough. In almost in a JRPG-like fashion, you’ll find yourself grinding through previously completed levels trying to earn enough cash to buy upgraded shoes and ropes. As soon as I stopped progressing and had to go back to grind in an action game, I was done. I ground away at it for a little while, but I found myself not wanting to even start up the game anymore. The little Indiana Jones wannabe can go fuck himself and his upgraded sunglasses.